Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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