Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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