i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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