I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
