is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
