new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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