I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
