I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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