You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
