He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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