Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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