she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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