Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
is it fun? or sober?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
