he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
