I just pynch a tree in the face
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
