just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
