Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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