i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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