I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
