remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
His hands were made for my vagina.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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