I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
