Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
