i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
