remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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