There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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