chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
