so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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