New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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