apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
how drunk are you?
Several
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
