I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
