Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
