ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
