Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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