1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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