Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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