The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
