Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
