Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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