i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
