i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
