sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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