bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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