Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
