You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
