so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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