We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
