Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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