my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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