i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
