Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
