Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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